It is okay
if it takes time
for this mountain
to be climbed.– Morgan Harper Nichols –
As this year comes to an end, I have started to realise that healing does really exist. Some of the people I have connected with on my life path have talked about the ‘Journey of Healing’ and that is was process I would endure. I just couldn’t see it happening and didn’t believe it was actually possible for me to heal.
Surprisingly over the past year I have started to experience healing. It is only very early in the process but the journey has definitely begun. It has been a year full of ups and downs, times where I have had uncontrollable meltdowns or just cry for no particular reason, and then times where I have felt a breakthrough in healing. The breakthroughs in healing for me have included; speaking up, finding a community of people on similar journeys, seeing a psychologist and kinesiologist and also becoming more spiritually connected.
This is a time that I begin to reflect on all that has passed over the year, and begin to understand and grow from all that I have experienced. As we reflect we begin to gain energy and create new intentions for the present and our future.
The lessons of our past can become meaningful in the present. Although it can be hard reflecting on the past it can also help you to see where you have been, where you are now and appreciate just how far you have come. It is important to acknowledge that all that has happened in my past has helped shape the person that I am today. When reflecting on my past it has given me an appreciation for my present self, helped me to rediscover and connect with certain parts of myself and has provided clarity on how I become the person that I am today. I think at times I get caught looking backwards or rushing to far ahead and forget to just be in the present moment.
Although I believe I have started my journey there are many days I feel like I am going backwards in my healing. These are days when I just feel drained from emotional exhaustion, resulting from trying to push through and constantly fighting the nasty voices in my own head.
No matter what I do or where I go, there is this unshakable feeling within me that tells me; I’m not good enough, I’m worthless, I’m stupid, I’m a failure and that I am to blame. Even just being given a compliment by someone, I will brush off because of the self-loathing voice inside that tells me different. I am working on this and definitely on the journey to self-love. In order to overcome this I need to understand why it happens and where it has come from. It will be a slow process but I am hopeful I will get there. Do you sometimes feel that no matter what you do, your unimportant, broken, hopeless, useless and unlovable? At times I feel as though I am trapped within my own mind and nothing can change my thought process.
There are times where I have this constant empty feeling in my stomach that I can’t even explain…. At times I feel almost numb and disconnected from the world and myself.
When in these struggling times I need to remind myself healing isn’t linear. As I said before sometimes I feel like I am going backwards, revisiting issues I thought I had already dealt with. While trying to make sense of it all, I begin to realise issues don’t just go away, they spiral back around with whole new life developments and events, and need dealing with all over again.
When looking at my healing process it is like a spiral, ‘I come back to things I thought I understood and see deeper truths’. I might be working through the same issues over and over but each time its from a different place. I have patterns to unlearn, new behaviours to embody and wounds to heal. Its hard to know exactly where you are on your journey but as you face more challenges you gain more knowledge, more self-approval and self-acceptance.
It is important for me to recognise my personal healing even if only little, as it helps provide hope and to maintain focus. I try not to be disappointed in the time it is taking but rather be grateful for all I am learning and achieving along the way. Life is a spiral but each time you come back to something it becomes that little bit easier to deal with and with time it will be assimilated.